The New Yorker Advertiser

My colleague Mark sometimes writes about the things he reads in The New Yorker, so I'm going to do the same, except this is about advertisements I see in The New Yorker and my formal interviews with people who also see them.

One of my favorite categories is Jaunty Elderly Male Apparel. Here's what some people I know had to say:

"Philip will absolutely DIE when I buy him this French hat from this catalog. Ha ha, I don't mean die, like he's had some kind of attack or organ malfunction (laughing out loud to myself), I mean he'll be surprised and pleased. Ha ha, no one's going to die, I don't think. Look what handsome colors it comes in, such as black and brown. We love black and brown, the colors, for clothing."

"Wonderful, this lively young fisherman's cap! I once had a cap like that, I think Linda has it now. Maybe it's in the box with the sachets in it. And the albums. All right, I'm going to put this magnifying glass down now, as my wrist is aching."

"What an elegant vest. I knew at once when I saw it that sometimes you just know, as far as I mean, do you know what I mean, yes? I once had a suede blazer that was black as well, I bought it in Spain with your mother. They have swell coffee in Spain. Very rich. Very rich, lots of cream. Chocolate as well, at times, if you order it that way. We did go to the bullfights, sure, but god, weren't they awful. There was this one bull, reddish, like autumn, they stabbed him, the picadors, with the whatever-you-call-thems, the sticks, the spears, and his intestines started to fall out. Roll out. Like long white ribbon. Your mother loved it, she was clapping as if we were at the fair."

"Oh, aren't these smart! I surely won't have to fuss with the laces, and they even look a bit dressy. Perhaps it will be easier if I lubricate them with Vaseline beforehand."

"I love hats, they're such fun. Or 'phun' as the kids would say, ha ha, right? The African kids, at least? Africans-American? I'll ask Phoebe."

Hwhimsical Brooches

"Have you seen anything so dear? It's an angel, a little silly angel, on a brooch! Ha ha ha ha ha ha, please wait, let me catch my breath. Oh this is just the thing. Oh this. This is too much. It's a puppy doggy! Ruff ruff ruff, it's too playful. I want to pat it. As soon as I pin it to my blouse I will feel better about how my children neither respect nor call me, ha ha, look at the tennis ball it's holding in its mouth! The doggie wants to play-play!"

"These darned little cats. Oh cats. Cats are the living end. I don't know where I'd be without Felix and Desdemona and Ivan and Heliotrope and Speckly and Doctor Doo-piddle."

"Every time I pass the newel post, the blonde one, and see the sitting table where Dierdre's Limoges used to be, I'm always in a little fit about what in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks to put there, so this is a bit like a revelation. Just a dear little fox, or something. Some kind of animal. A wolf? What's it? It's not a hyena, I hope? Those eat the dead ones? The ears are a bit ugly here. I'll call the number to see if they can print out their 'Net' pages site for me."





























Family Jewels

"I will cut this out for Denise in case she is ever able to give birth."

"If Louis hadn't married the foreign girl with the symbols in her name this would be a downright handsome kitchen item."

"Rings for the children or for the children's parents? Children are forever misplacing things of value or eating them, so as you have to parcel through their scat."















Things For People Close to Death

"This is interesting, not so much for me as for Janine. I'll cut it out for her. I don't want to hurt her feelings about her body or her diseases, so I'll just send it anonymously and write the letter with cut-out letters
from one of my favorite catalogs."

"What a nice time this fellow is having, I wonder what joke they've just told him."